we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
