I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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