our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
