go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
