I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
