like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
