I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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