From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
