Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
