saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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