Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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