shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
