i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
