I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
