I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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