I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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