don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
