i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
