quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
