i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
