The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
