I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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