Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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