we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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