So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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