just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
