i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
