I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
