Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
