just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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