Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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