Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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