frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This baby is an asshole
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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