please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
