It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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