Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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