I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
