I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
