Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
