i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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