a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
