i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
