I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
