Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
