I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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