If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
