Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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