Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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