So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
