Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
